Truth or Dare

I normally like writing these blogs early in the morning...right after i've done my morning pages, courtesy of the Artists Way. Alas, I attempted working on these God-awful Experiential Learning Papers for my college course, Professional and Personal Assessment, which has turned out to be the class from hell. Combined with fasting because I don't have my rent and I need to raise $500, I went from bright eyed and bushy tailed to wanting to have a very quick and close communion with a razor blade. Instead, I decided to go for a walk and let out all the anger, frustration and self-pity out to the universe and God, not that He doesn't know what this is all about already. It worked, and as I walked into my room that I rent , I got a much needed phone call from a good friend who must have been guided to make this lonely, sad lady laugh again. Why he is not my husband I dont' know but he's the kind of man I would love to hook up. I know in my heart of hearts he isn't the one God intends for me but heck, he is awfully close. Talk about having to be patient. Ugh, I want someone in my life, now...no...yesterday. Don't know why I'm not allowed a shoulder to cry upon right now but I can only be patient.

To touch upon the knowledge of how I know there is someone out there for me is an experience I had about 9 years ago in Austin, Texas. This story will also make clear that no matter how bad things get, I could never take my life. I will proceed to explain what happened and for some who may read this, you may be inclined to suspend belief but it is what really happened to me and I honor it as a gift from God. I was going to Al-Anon meetings in Austin and one day spied upon this absolutely gorgeous young man. Almost 20 years my junior,...no don't go there. No cougar references please. Anyway, we did eventually hook up, were intimate and through a series of letters we sent back and forth, I discovered he was a sex addict and very unhappy. I suggested we abstain from any sexual activity for 90 days. One day I was on the phone to him and told him, that I wish I could be near him to make it all better and give him a big hug. Little did I know that would be the last time I would speak to him. 5 days later I was told he had shot himself in the head. I went into shock and even drove over to his house to make sure because I didn't want to believe he was gone. I loved him very much and it took awhile to get over the startling news. One night I was getting ready to go to sleep when I had the experience of leaving my body and going to where he was in the afterlife. I had already had an out of body experience before so this wasn't new. He stood across from me and kept changing ages and I realized there is no age in the land of souls. I asked him to please forgive me. He said "don't give up on the next one" and I said, "there is no one in my life now" he said "there will be". I was profoundly affected by this dialogue. I held him close, gave him a big hug and he was torn away from me like something you see in films and I came back to my body. So what is the truth that I learned form this outrageous encounter? That we are all unique...there will never be another you or me in the history of mankind. Why we can't always know and feel this 24/7 is a mystery but that moment in time when I went to the next life will live with me forever. I am also grateful to my young friend for the parting words that "there will be" someone, someday. I have never surrendered so much to God as I do today and as my dear friend in Seattle told me a couple of months ago, "let God be your matchmaker"....I'm trying. Trusting God in all matters is quite the challenge. So no websites like Match.com, of course, unless I'm secretly guided by God to go there. ;-) With love and light and uniqueness!!

Truth or Consequences

As I child I used to watch this show on TV called "Truth or Consequences" and I think it was a very young Bob Barker as the host. I barely remember what was done on the show but what I do remember is that I liked it, it was fun, and it was something I could watch with my mother and brother. Then many years later I noticed there is even a town called Truth or Consequences in New Mexico. It think it was in my 20's when I found out what the word consequences meant. I had Brazilian parents and much of the time they spoke Portuguese around me as a child. My one huge regret in this life is that I didn't learn the language fluently. How different my life would have been had I spoken Portuguese. I would be singing in nightclubs Brazilian songs as a living most likely. Well, I wasn't around people who spoke a lot of English and it is just in the last four years that I have become in love with the English language since I began going to school and writing. Writing a lot. I love words. What they mean, what they can become to mean when written in a certain way. I love the word Truth. I love the way John Leguizamo says the word truth in the film Moulin Rouge.

I'm not crazy about the word consequences. It has a kind of forboding quality to it but it can come in handy. In disciplining my kids, I used the word to remind them that when they misbehaved they would have to face the consequences. When remembering all the things I did in the past and how they are coming back to bite me in the butt. When you charge something on a credit card the consequences is that you will go into DEBT! Big one...and if you don't put gas in your car, you will get stuck somewhere and not be able to drive. There are the other big ones like if you sleep with a man unprotected, you have a good chance of getting pregnant or if you smoke a lot of cigarettes, your lungs can turn black. How our whole life is filled with consequences for our actions. I think what happened in the 60's, I adopted the word karma and I kind of like that one better. Means the same thing as consequences but it is more exotic and foriegn. I hope I have been building good karma with my love and compassion for my fellow brothers and sisters. I'm certainly not a perfect person and lately feeling kind of down-trodden with no real job and money in the bank. But I will plow thru this time because it can't last forever and hope my good karma kicks in and I get to the other side of this test. What is the main question on this test? Well, it is how much faith do I have in God's beneficence and mercy. Can I trust that at the moment I need something, my need will be fulfilled? Let me tell ya...this is one bitch of a test. Many years ago, an Egytian man told me a story about a beggar in the courtyard of a small village, he would sit out and wait for someone to give him his morning food. If anyone tried to give him food for the whole day he would refuse it because he wanted to make sure he kept the faith that later in the day he would be provided for. Boy, did I not get that one right away until I was put in the same boat. One day at a time is nothing compared to one hour at a time. That is how I have to live right now. One hour at a time. Trust in God and his mercy and benefinence. That is my big lesson right now. I feel like posting a disclaimer and telling you all, don't try this at home but I can't. If God sees fit that you need this test. Surrender, let it all go. Everything in your hand, let it go. He will provide. Reminds me a little of this song I sing to myself on occasion. "Life is just a bowl of cherries". The line goes "the sweet things in life, to you are just loaned, so how can you lose, what you never owned. Wow! do I love that line. So, I'm off for my morning walk and basking in the glorius sunshine of Los Angeles. I'll leave with you with one truth that I do know. God is large and in charge! Have a lovely Sunday whoever may read this. Love and Light! Pilar

A Convenient Truth

I voted for Al Gore, I wanted him to be President and so did most of the country. Bush fenagled his way into the White House and it was a very depressing time for America. I know we are in the mess we are in because of his politics. I have never had it so hard before. So now that we have a new President, who I pray will deliver, and if nothing else he has a sense of humor and a beautiful family, God-willing things will improve. Because I'm not one to spend too much time talking or thinking about politics, I feel that we got it right putting Obama in the White House. I can identify with him. I lived in Hawaii for 11 years, I stayed in Indonesia for a month and have connections there and I embraced Islam in the seventies(but am a Christian now). Kinda woo-woo but that's not why I voted for him. I just knew in my heart he would be a whole lot better than the other guy. What is funny for me is that all of a sudden I have all these new friends and they are all African-American. My housemate is even a black woman and I couldn't be happier getting closer to my new friends. I have one black male gay friend who I absolutely adore. He's so special to me. So why is this? Did Obama getting in the White House allow for this blending of the races, at least in my life. I had one black boy friend once years ago, a very well-known jazz flute player. I felt like his back door girl. He never introduced me to his family or felt inclined to include me in many of his activities. He was a strictly sexual encounter. There was a time when I was dancing professionally and moved to New York to study dance at the Alvin Ailey school and wanted to be black so I would get picked for the dance company. Never happened. I instead went to do Summer Stock in New Hampshire and found out I could sing as well as dance and performed in a few shows.

So what is the point of all this banter? I'm getting to it. The truth is going back to my first blog, we are all one. In the universal scheme of things, there is no seperation between races and we are all members of the same club called "Mankind". When I was in New Hampshire getting my musical theater education doing summer stock that one summer, I had this experience that altered how I saw and felt about people and myself. I got very sick and one afternoon, had an out of body experience. I had this strange feeling, I couldn't move my body but I was hovering above it and heard this voice. I yelled first, "it's not my time yet", meaning I wasn't supposed to die. Then this voice exclaimed "if you go back, you must love all mankind." Well, if that wasn't something for the books. So here I am, many years later, still trying to just love myself, let alone mankind. But I do know, that is my ultimate job being her on this planet. I must love all mankind and that includes everybody. So how does one do that? Well, by not judging anyone(ha ha ha) ever try that? Everyone I see, I must have a feeling of love and compassion. If I feel anything other than love, it is not coming from God but from my own heart and mind. I'm glad I did learn how to detach with love in an Al-Anon meeting cause I would be in big trouble right about now. With all the people in the world and the way they may approach me or reproach me, I must love them but fortunately I don't have do anything but feel love for them. In the reality of things, I'm actually just feeling God's love and that is sufficient. Now that I'm learning how to love myself and treat myself kindly(something very new and different) it is easier to love all of mankind. My new friends, the ex-husbands, my deceased parents, the people who made fun of me because of my mentally retarded brother, everyone that I have ever known. I do feel love for them now. This man I met in Dallas once said, don't worry about being love or giving love, you are love. That was an eye-opener for me. I don't always remember that but I work towards knowing it in my bones. Only once did I truly feel the Universal love all around us and that was during a Ramadhan in New York in the seventies. It is indescribable but it is real and it is the truth. At the end of my favorite film, Strictly Ballroom, everyone dances around to the song "Love is in the Air" and it is all around us. Now if only I can translate loving all of mankind into an income producing activity. I'm only half serious. lol. Here is to love!!

If The Truth Be Told

This is so much fun....I even have one follower and that was a surprise. God bless you Benedict(almost wrote Leonard) How time flies. Does it really fly? It can whiz by too I've heard. I look back at my life and I can hardly believe I will hit the big ....well, that is a secret. Why must I hide the fact I'll be turning ....next year. Wow, it's hard to admit my age. Is it because I live in Hollywood? Or that when I was little, the age I'm gonna be was ancient? If the truth be told, I'm a bit scared of getting older. Right now, when I go on Craigslist, I feel like I don't belong there. I look for work that even only 5 years ago was appropriate and today seems so not me.
Well, I'm not alone and this week was a mind-opener concerning my place in the universe.
I heard the statement once from my spiritual master, so to speak, "we must come to be alone with God." Is that the truth? YES. Why? Because, at any moment we may be asked to check out from our fleshy envelope and leave this world, this dream, this life we have become so attached to and go to the next life. Alone with God can also mean joining with the others who are also turning there minds and hearts to the Almighty. It is an energy, life force, vibration that is felt when this moment of communion is so solitary, so singular. I love when I can just focus on that part of me that is empty and whole at the same time. I guess I'm hitting on my blog of yesterday. We are all one and and now that I can write all this down and not give a damn who reads it or if it is read at all. I will write my musings and live my life until it is my check out time and take each moment as if that is the most important moment. Instead of pining for this, that and the other. I dont' always achieve that mindset but I'm working on it. Until tomorrow, sending my lone reader much love and God's blessings. In light and love, Pilar

If The Truth Be Told

I know, it's all relative, the truth changes with every person. I do believe there are Universals truths and I want to write about them, share them, find them, whatever the wind blows in. Let's start with something as expansive as "We Are All One". How much the world tells us to the contrary. I am in school and had to do a paper on Jill Bolte Taylor's experience of a brain tumor causing her to have only her right brain function and her spiritual journey of that reality. Amazing. She experienced Nirvana, Heaven and the oneness of all Mankind. So why can't we all feel that all the time? Well, I will leave you to ponder that. Gonna go have Thanksgiving dinner with my housemate and her family. God bless you all and Happy Thanksgiving!!