Truth or Dare

I normally like writing these blogs early in the morning...right after i've done my morning pages, courtesy of the Artists Way. Alas, I attempted working on these God-awful Experiential Learning Papers for my college course, Professional and Personal Assessment, which has turned out to be the class from hell. Combined with fasting because I don't have my rent and I need to raise $500, I went from bright eyed and bushy tailed to wanting to have a very quick and close communion with a razor blade. Instead, I decided to go for a walk and let out all the anger, frustration and self-pity out to the universe and God, not that He doesn't know what this is all about already. It worked, and as I walked into my room that I rent , I got a much needed phone call from a good friend who must have been guided to make this lonely, sad lady laugh again. Why he is not my husband I dont' know but he's the kind of man I would love to hook up. I know in my heart of hearts he isn't the one God intends for me but heck, he is awfully close. Talk about having to be patient. Ugh, I want someone in my life, now...no...yesterday. Don't know why I'm not allowed a shoulder to cry upon right now but I can only be patient.

To touch upon the knowledge of how I know there is someone out there for me is an experience I had about 9 years ago in Austin, Texas. This story will also make clear that no matter how bad things get, I could never take my life. I will proceed to explain what happened and for some who may read this, you may be inclined to suspend belief but it is what really happened to me and I honor it as a gift from God. I was going to Al-Anon meetings in Austin and one day spied upon this absolutely gorgeous young man. Almost 20 years my junior,...no don't go there. No cougar references please. Anyway, we did eventually hook up, were intimate and through a series of letters we sent back and forth, I discovered he was a sex addict and very unhappy. I suggested we abstain from any sexual activity for 90 days. One day I was on the phone to him and told him, that I wish I could be near him to make it all better and give him a big hug. Little did I know that would be the last time I would speak to him. 5 days later I was told he had shot himself in the head. I went into shock and even drove over to his house to make sure because I didn't want to believe he was gone. I loved him very much and it took awhile to get over the startling news. One night I was getting ready to go to sleep when I had the experience of leaving my body and going to where he was in the afterlife. I had already had an out of body experience before so this wasn't new. He stood across from me and kept changing ages and I realized there is no age in the land of souls. I asked him to please forgive me. He said "don't give up on the next one" and I said, "there is no one in my life now" he said "there will be". I was profoundly affected by this dialogue. I held him close, gave him a big hug and he was torn away from me like something you see in films and I came back to my body. So what is the truth that I learned form this outrageous encounter? That we are all unique...there will never be another you or me in the history of mankind. Why we can't always know and feel this 24/7 is a mystery but that moment in time when I went to the next life will live with me forever. I am also grateful to my young friend for the parting words that "there will be" someone, someday. I have never surrendered so much to God as I do today and as my dear friend in Seattle told me a couple of months ago, "let God be your matchmaker"....I'm trying. Trusting God in all matters is quite the challenge. So no websites like Match.com, of course, unless I'm secretly guided by God to go there. ;-) With love and light and uniqueness!!