I cut 3 roses from the garden the other morning and put them in a vase. I placed the vase on my desk and as I typed my e-mails, I admired the beauty of these delicate creations of nature. The fragrance was so strong and sweet, I found it strangely intoxicating. The delicious colors ranged from a creamy ivory to a fushia/red and in there silent eloquence, they reminded be of a trio of opera singers. The large one in the middle was singing a full aria. The exquisite pick/peach/apricot colored rose was practicing scales and the one on the right was just humming, preparing for her debut as a full-bloomed rose/singer.
There is a wonderful musical called "Starting Here, Starting Now" written by Richard Maltby and David Shire. One of the songs is called "Bells", and the male singer is extolling the virtues of being able to hear bells when admiring the visual beauty of the world. He chirps, "call me mad, but of course you will, put me under lock and key." Maybe I'm a little mad to see/hear my roses as vocalists in a trio. Why not? It is all beauty for the senses.
I found this saying the other day that goes like this.....
"Once you believe in yourself and see your soul as divine and precious, you will automatically become a being who can create a miracle." I don't remember where I read this and I would also add that it is not us creating the miracle, but our higher power, but why quibble. I had a miracle the other day come in the way of a FB message.
Long ago I put myself at the mercy of rock musicians in bands that had some kind of notoriety. I felt I had some value when I went home with the guitar player or a drummer and spent the night with them. How naive, blind and in denial I was back then. So on FB a few days ago, mentioning to an aging rock star how I still marvel at the fact I got to make out with him when I was 17, I had no idea he would respond with, "no, I got to make out with YOU when you were 17, lucky me." I never stopped to think of the possibility, he was the lucky one. Kinda miraculous. Valueing myself so much that the tables were turned, and I was the desirable one in the equation. Why does it take so long to rid oneself of the damage done by ones parents and see the divinity and precious nature of ones own being and soul.
"God doesn't make any mistakes" a fridge magnet reads out.
It has happened. I am priceless. A prize. I love myself unconditionally. What a journey to get to this place but I've made it. All my gifts will come as God so wills it.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
And That's The Truth, #%*@&^%(spit flying)CONT.
Okay, so I'm pretty sick today but will try and finish what I started yesterday. The fact that monogamy is a good thing begins with a simple truth. Women are the vessel and the man is the content. If men are going to run around spreading their seed, which is never their real motivation to begin with, they will be picking up from every woman, her feelings and who she has had sex with before. That particular man will pass that on to the next woman he has sex with and then all these women are going to feel all the stuff being passed on to them but not really know that's what it is. They will get their period and during that time of purification they will be miserable and bitchy and wonder why. This may a bit of my opinion but this was even spoken about in an Albert Brooks film, "Defending Your Life." He speaks of this exact thing, filling one another up with other peoples stuff. I guess I should say shit. It is shit and dirt and it's not healthy for the spirit.
So that's one reason it is good to keep to one partner. More of an inner aspect. The outer aspect is clear. Bar using protection, which many people in the heat of passion, don't bother with it and they pass on STD's. It is still a rampant problem within the younger set. I know, I have 3 grown college aged kids. My own 19 year old daughter has contracted something I don't even want to discuss. It breaks my heart. But who am I to judge or point the finger. I was a hippie in the free-love era and had more partners than I want to admit. I was in a clinic twice for the clap. Nothing to be proud of and being a groupie back in the late 60's had it's good and bad points and the multiple partners was a disaster waiting to happen.
So, there's at least 2-3 reasons to try and be faithful to one person and that's not even the issue. The real problem is that we are fed by the film industry a plate load of stories that display couples going off after as little as a conversation at a bar, to have sex with one another. There is rarely story line continuing with the concequence of their actions. And there will always be consequences...It is a spiritual issue more than anything. Just think about the fact, you don't really consummate a marriage unless you have sex. So you are actually spiritually marrying somene when you have sex with them. Then you go thru all these mini-divorces afterwards and wonder why you are unhappy and feeling shame. As I have said before, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Our souls are eternal. I heard my spiritual leader Bapak speak of the importance of keeping your heart and soul clean for the time we leave our fleshy envelope. Well, I could go on and on about this. It is a personal crusade of mine but I will leave it for each person to find their own truth concerning monogamy.
I found this quote today and I love it: "Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world agrees with it." -Maimonedes
So I only pray that what I have heard, experienced and appropriate to my life will work for me and find me in a good place when I do check out. Wishing you all the best, Pilar
So that's one reason it is good to keep to one partner. More of an inner aspect. The outer aspect is clear. Bar using protection, which many people in the heat of passion, don't bother with it and they pass on STD's. It is still a rampant problem within the younger set. I know, I have 3 grown college aged kids. My own 19 year old daughter has contracted something I don't even want to discuss. It breaks my heart. But who am I to judge or point the finger. I was a hippie in the free-love era and had more partners than I want to admit. I was in a clinic twice for the clap. Nothing to be proud of and being a groupie back in the late 60's had it's good and bad points and the multiple partners was a disaster waiting to happen.
So, there's at least 2-3 reasons to try and be faithful to one person and that's not even the issue. The real problem is that we are fed by the film industry a plate load of stories that display couples going off after as little as a conversation at a bar, to have sex with one another. There is rarely story line continuing with the concequence of their actions. And there will always be consequences...It is a spiritual issue more than anything. Just think about the fact, you don't really consummate a marriage unless you have sex. So you are actually spiritually marrying somene when you have sex with them. Then you go thru all these mini-divorces afterwards and wonder why you are unhappy and feeling shame. As I have said before, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Our souls are eternal. I heard my spiritual leader Bapak speak of the importance of keeping your heart and soul clean for the time we leave our fleshy envelope. Well, I could go on and on about this. It is a personal crusade of mine but I will leave it for each person to find their own truth concerning monogamy.
I found this quote today and I love it: "Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world agrees with it." -Maimonedes
So I only pray that what I have heard, experienced and appropriate to my life will work for me and find me in a good place when I do check out. Wishing you all the best, Pilar
Thursday, December 17, 2009
And That's The Truth, #%*@&^%(spit flying)
As a young girl, I watched this very funny and relevant for the times show called "Laugh In". It was the launching pad for some great actors such as Goldie Hawn and Lily Tomlin. Lily would play a child and sit in this very large rocking chair and talk about some funny stuff and at the end would say "and that's the truth" and stick her tongue out and make that childish noise, spitting out her determination to be right.
I met Lily Tomlin after a screening of "I Heart Huckabees", a disappointing film but with good intentions. A stellar cast just couldn't pull off the strange concept and script. I also spoke to the director David O. Russell. He was intelligent and supportive, having mentioned my connection to Islam and his wonderful film "Three Kings". That was a great film. There was much negative comment about David's treatment to others on the set and George Clooney coming to the rescue of crew being abused. Stand back, there are 3 sides to every story. I don't know the truth of the situation but I do know that David was able to portray Muslims in a good light. They were not all terrorists in that film. Thanks be to Allah.
I told David I wanted to write a screenplay about the insanity of men;their wanting to have the privilege of feeling superior to women along with having more than one spouse or girl friend(from personal experience). I wanted to call my script "I'm Not A Harem Kinda Gal". He said "Do it!" ...well, what I have come up with is "How I Survived the Sixties" and I have my protaginist saying that line(I'm not a harem kinda gal) in the script. I'll see how it all evolves. Having avoided any kind of intimate relationship for a few years now(more so because I haven't met the right guy), I observe from the sidelines how difficult it is to have a healthy relationship. So I have opted to have many guy friends. Much like I did as a tomboy of 12. I had a lot of fun playing sports and being the only female among all the neighbor guys. I know it has a lot to do with not having a father. But I'm not here to pshyco-analyze my past. What I do want to mention is the irony of being a hippie and living on a commune where the men treated the women like 2nd class citizens and the tradition they tried to establish having the women prepare the food and serve only the men at dinner and when they were done, the women were allowed to eat. I think I lasted there about 3 days. It was up in Ukiah and I hitchiked with a friend from the Haight in SF in 1967 to explore the possibilites. I also slept in a room with 3 other girls and this guy who I had already slept with once in Laguna Beach months earlier came in and picked me to come sleep with him. Then the next night it was another gal. Ummm, sounds like a middle eastern Harem in the 1800's to me. So what is the difference? As I look back, I think most men do have this cultural instillment of centuries that they are to be superior to women and it's okay to have more than one partner.
This will have to continue tomorrow and I will explain my take on the multiple partner preference. It will take a whole other blog and I am not feeling well so I don't think I'll be out shouldering the Christmas shoppers in the stores this year. Until tomorrow....
I met Lily Tomlin after a screening of "I Heart Huckabees", a disappointing film but with good intentions. A stellar cast just couldn't pull off the strange concept and script. I also spoke to the director David O. Russell. He was intelligent and supportive, having mentioned my connection to Islam and his wonderful film "Three Kings". That was a great film. There was much negative comment about David's treatment to others on the set and George Clooney coming to the rescue of crew being abused. Stand back, there are 3 sides to every story. I don't know the truth of the situation but I do know that David was able to portray Muslims in a good light. They were not all terrorists in that film. Thanks be to Allah.
I told David I wanted to write a screenplay about the insanity of men;their wanting to have the privilege of feeling superior to women along with having more than one spouse or girl friend(from personal experience). I wanted to call my script "I'm Not A Harem Kinda Gal". He said "Do it!" ...well, what I have come up with is "How I Survived the Sixties" and I have my protaginist saying that line(I'm not a harem kinda gal) in the script. I'll see how it all evolves. Having avoided any kind of intimate relationship for a few years now(more so because I haven't met the right guy), I observe from the sidelines how difficult it is to have a healthy relationship. So I have opted to have many guy friends. Much like I did as a tomboy of 12. I had a lot of fun playing sports and being the only female among all the neighbor guys. I know it has a lot to do with not having a father. But I'm not here to pshyco-analyze my past. What I do want to mention is the irony of being a hippie and living on a commune where the men treated the women like 2nd class citizens and the tradition they tried to establish having the women prepare the food and serve only the men at dinner and when they were done, the women were allowed to eat. I think I lasted there about 3 days. It was up in Ukiah and I hitchiked with a friend from the Haight in SF in 1967 to explore the possibilites. I also slept in a room with 3 other girls and this guy who I had already slept with once in Laguna Beach months earlier came in and picked me to come sleep with him. Then the next night it was another gal. Ummm, sounds like a middle eastern Harem in the 1800's to me. So what is the difference? As I look back, I think most men do have this cultural instillment of centuries that they are to be superior to women and it's okay to have more than one partner.
This will have to continue tomorrow and I will explain my take on the multiple partner preference. It will take a whole other blog and I am not feeling well so I don't think I'll be out shouldering the Christmas shoppers in the stores this year. Until tomorrow....
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Discovering the Truth
I'm so impressed with how life unfolds and levels the playing field as we all get older and see our own mortality. I still feel like a 30 year old but my eye shadow doesn'twear like I'm thirty. Everything is going south, the facial skin, the boobs, my chin. Oh well, in the infamous words of my best friend Hadidjah Gregory, "we are supposed to get old." I will never forget her words as we stood in front of a cosmetic counter in Dillards, Austin, Texas. Years later, I actually worked in that same store.
What I need to mention today, is my absolute amazement at the fact I love myself, eye bags, fat, wrinkles and all. It's who I am and they show character, and not to mention, so many other women share my looks. I went to a party for Career Transition for Dancers the other evening and saw two women that over 30 years ago danced on Broadway and I would have given my right arm to have their lives. They each danced in the only two shows I had ever seen on Broadway, A Chorus Line and Pippin. There they were standing in the office where the party was and I knew them, having been offered a place to live by one and the other having had sold me a pair a shoes at Karabel's dance store. Life takes it's toll on everyone and to see these ladies, you would never know they were once vibrant dancers who excelled at their craft. They both were also in the film "All That Jazz" with Roy Scheider, about the life of Bob Fosse. Well, I feel pretty good about my life now and realize I would never trade with another.
Later today I saw the two films I worked on at USC and liked how I looked too. My eye bags were on the big screen but so what. I played a social worker and they probably all have bags under their eyes. I'm gonna embrace who I am, what I look like and be happy and grateful. That is my choice and it works for me. I'm sure if I was given a few grand to play with I'd do something to my face, but not much. I don't want to end up looking like a fish or a cat. Yikes! So, onward thru the fog and a happy healthy life. Bieler Broth helps. Dr. Bieler delivered my first daughter at 76 years old so I have a lot to look forward too. I'm only a mere 59. OMG, it's just a number. It's not who I am.
What I need to mention today, is my absolute amazement at the fact I love myself, eye bags, fat, wrinkles and all. It's who I am and they show character, and not to mention, so many other women share my looks. I went to a party for Career Transition for Dancers the other evening and saw two women that over 30 years ago danced on Broadway and I would have given my right arm to have their lives. They each danced in the only two shows I had ever seen on Broadway, A Chorus Line and Pippin. There they were standing in the office where the party was and I knew them, having been offered a place to live by one and the other having had sold me a pair a shoes at Karabel's dance store. Life takes it's toll on everyone and to see these ladies, you would never know they were once vibrant dancers who excelled at their craft. They both were also in the film "All That Jazz" with Roy Scheider, about the life of Bob Fosse. Well, I feel pretty good about my life now and realize I would never trade with another.
Later today I saw the two films I worked on at USC and liked how I looked too. My eye bags were on the big screen but so what. I played a social worker and they probably all have bags under their eyes. I'm gonna embrace who I am, what I look like and be happy and grateful. That is my choice and it works for me. I'm sure if I was given a few grand to play with I'd do something to my face, but not much. I don't want to end up looking like a fish or a cat. Yikes! So, onward thru the fog and a happy healthy life. Bieler Broth helps. Dr. Bieler delivered my first daughter at 76 years old so I have a lot to look forward too. I'm only a mere 59. OMG, it's just a number. It's not who I am.
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Whole Truth
So I guess the whole truth is not a partial truth and how would one tell the difference? Let's explore that. It's partially true that I have a nice place to live. The whole truth is that I'm wanting my own place. Like I want it yesterday. I want my own place like a quaterback wants to make the throw that will score his team a touchdown. I want my own place like all the 20 year olds in Hollywood want to be stars. So you guessed it. I really want my own place. So what's stopping me? Those rectangular green paper bills with faces on them, that's what. Oh, and I think my credit sucks too. So far I have found decent places to live, renting nice furnished bedrooms, but it's never the same as when one has their own space. To paint it the color I like, and put out all my belongings like photos, knick-knacks, cushions, etc. So much of what I own is in a box in the garage or closet. I also want to be able to take a nap when I'm tired and not worry about dogs barking or my housemate needing to talk to me.
I have been so incredibly lucky with being able to find places and get the rent paid. This is the miracle that boggles the mind. I had 4 days recently to raise $700 out of nowhere and somehow it all comes together. And the secret is...ta da!! I surrender my life to the Almighty. My God who is large and in charge. I let it go...give it up and over to Him/Her. I'm so blessed to have found that secret and put it into practice. The whole truth is that God didn't bring us this far to just abandon us. It's truly an amazing journey learning how to really surrender. We all want to hang onto our problems and try to figure them out with our hearts and minds. Doesn't work! In the 12 step program we are aware of sayings like Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God. They are simple but truthful. Let Go and Let God is all about surrendering. Life here in this world is gonna go by like a twinkling of an eye. Enjoy the moment and try to say God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever word that works for you that is your word for God, all the time. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Thoughts are powerful and I for one, am making mine work for me, creating a wonderful life full of love and compassion. So the next time you find yourself fretting over something, just let it go. Give it to the one that gave it to you in the first place and say, You better deal with this, You are the expert. He/She has got it under control. And in case you didn't know....God loves us so much and wants the best for us. And from the pen of Emily Dickenson, "Gods' gifts put Mans' best dreams to shame"....Blesssings to you my lone reader/s.
I have been so incredibly lucky with being able to find places and get the rent paid. This is the miracle that boggles the mind. I had 4 days recently to raise $700 out of nowhere and somehow it all comes together. And the secret is...ta da!! I surrender my life to the Almighty. My God who is large and in charge. I let it go...give it up and over to Him/Her. I'm so blessed to have found that secret and put it into practice. The whole truth is that God didn't bring us this far to just abandon us. It's truly an amazing journey learning how to really surrender. We all want to hang onto our problems and try to figure them out with our hearts and minds. Doesn't work! In the 12 step program we are aware of sayings like Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God. They are simple but truthful. Let Go and Let God is all about surrendering. Life here in this world is gonna go by like a twinkling of an eye. Enjoy the moment and try to say God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever word that works for you that is your word for God, all the time. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Thoughts are powerful and I for one, am making mine work for me, creating a wonderful life full of love and compassion. So the next time you find yourself fretting over something, just let it go. Give it to the one that gave it to you in the first place and say, You better deal with this, You are the expert. He/She has got it under control. And in case you didn't know....God loves us so much and wants the best for us. And from the pen of Emily Dickenson, "Gods' gifts put Mans' best dreams to shame"....Blesssings to you my lone reader/s.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I Want the Truth, and Nothing But the Truth
Whoa, okay, so what was with this person yesterday spewing all this oral toxic banter at me? Someone I don't even know, who was on my Facebook friends list(she's gone now) telling me how my blog was unreadable and so many other negative things I didn't even bother to read it. The tone was apparently harmful and I didn't need to fill my mind with anything that was negative. I love myself too much to allow people to bring me down. What was ironic is that a friend of mine went through the exact same thing earlier that day, and he asked me to help him control his anger. I gave him what I thought were some words of wisdom and also a recent experience of mine. I discovered that not only is someone's anger and negativity all belong to the person who is spewing, having nothing to do with us, but that person only acts in that manner because they are in a lot of pain. The are hurting and this is the only way they know to reach out, basically saying, "please, pay attention to me, I hurt and I need help and someone to acknowledge my needs." Something to that effect.
I learned that wonderful lesson most recently, having been the one who was spewing and criticising others. I was in pain and I wanted someone to just make it better. So if the truth be told, I'm so grateful for the insight and happy that I could pass that info onto another. All of us on our journey to have love, give love and be love along with compassion will no doubt run into others who have to express themselves the only way they know how. With hurt, anger and criticism. Detaching with love, a wonderful Al-Anon concept works really good here. Loving the other person and loving ourselves so not to take in the junk. I love and approve of myself is a phrase I have been putting down in my morning pages for years. I know it seems like a lofty aspiration but as I have mentioned in my blog before, I have no choice. I must learn to love All Mankind and not just the ones that are easy to love but the ones who want to destroy me. I pray that I will be protected from all that uninvited anger and frustration and will not be a person who dumps it either. Wishing you, my lone readers, a blessed weekend!
I learned that wonderful lesson most recently, having been the one who was spewing and criticising others. I was in pain and I wanted someone to just make it better. So if the truth be told, I'm so grateful for the insight and happy that I could pass that info onto another. All of us on our journey to have love, give love and be love along with compassion will no doubt run into others who have to express themselves the only way they know how. With hurt, anger and criticism. Detaching with love, a wonderful Al-Anon concept works really good here. Loving the other person and loving ourselves so not to take in the junk. I love and approve of myself is a phrase I have been putting down in my morning pages for years. I know it seems like a lofty aspiration but as I have mentioned in my blog before, I have no choice. I must learn to love All Mankind and not just the ones that are easy to love but the ones who want to destroy me. I pray that I will be protected from all that uninvited anger and frustration and will not be a person who dumps it either. Wishing you, my lone readers, a blessed weekend!
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Truth Will Set You Free
The truth will set you free, that of course being, if your shackled in the first place. I have been shackled all my life one way or another. One of my worst character defects is that I have always cared too much what people thought of me. OMG, talk about being a prisoner of the fickle opinions of man. Well, that has been put to rest. I think, I hope. I no longer feel the need to impress anyone most of the time. That little niggly thing creeps up now and then, the voice in my head wondering if I was good enough or did I do something wonderful, and waiting for a compliment and dreading the criticism. One of the most wonderful things I've ever heard in an Al-Anon meeting, and there are an abundance of wonderful sayings, is "what people think of me is none of my business." I've heard someone wrote a book with that title but it's my mantra right now and it gets me through the day. I'm actually on my way to audition for a commercial agent and I have this wonderful quiet feeling of just going in there and being who I am and doing my best and then just leaving it for God to work thru this lady to either sign me or not. You see, there is nothing so fine that God can't replace it with something finer. So if she doesn't sign me then I'll get someone better down the pike. So I'm off to read some cold copy and smile and maybe be goofy, whatever is asked of me. I will get an agent someday, maybe today, maybe not but I have tomorrow and what the day brings will be good too. Blessings to my lone readers!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Truth: The strongest argument - Sophocles
Two years ago I began my journey as a college student and learned to write essays, term papers and experiential learning papers. Whew! It has been a challenge but I have come to love the English language and what words can do to mold and shape our minds. Poetry has become precious to me, exceptional literature is as exciting to read as going to a good film. Today I'm fatigued but getting my chops up to do this blog is priority because I have made a pact with myself that I will write something everyday and maybe at the end of this project, I may have a book to publish. Sophocles was this Greek philosopher that wrote books that became classics and I had to study him in one of my classes. I dont' remember much of what he wrote but I know he had to be good because we are still reading his musings to this day. The truth is so relative but as Sophocles said, it is "the strongest argument." Not that I like arguing but it does remind me of something I read long ago on a bulletin board at a Subud Hall. There are 3 sides to every argument, yours, theirs and the truth. I do like how that comment sheds light on the fact there really are only opinions and one is as good as the other. And in the face of all these opinions, lies a truth and that is what we need to find. So get your shovel, lighted helmet and start digging. Somewhere under all that bullshit one will find the truth. The piece of the argument that will live forever and work for everyone in the long run. I can't tell you what it is....i'm still digging. While I'm digging, I do find some idea or other that feels like a truth. But God-willing we will find what works for us and live a happy harmonious life with the gifts we are given and the circumstances we find ourselves in. I know that if I don't find the truth for me, getting someone else's will be second best and more than likely not work for me. Here is to all of you finding your truths. Happy digging!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
To Tell the Truth
Another fun show as a child for me was To Tell The Truth, and I think they even tried to revive it in the last 10 years. 3 people would come on the show and claim to be the same person but of course only one was that actual person. The panelists, 4 of them, would try to guess who it is. How they figured out who the real person wasn't rocket science but it was fun. Today, I begin to see that there is such a desire to be someone else. Anyone but who we are. I know when I came to Los Angeles in 1980, after having lived in Hawaii for 11 years, I certainly wanted to be an actress because the illusion was that everyone would love you and you could get a lot of money and all the guys. I didn't come close to the truth that becoming an actress would allow me to be someone else and I'd eventually fall in love with doing the work. How silly and naive I was back then. Today, the joy and excitement of becoming another character is what I strive for. The fun to be had when I'm playing with other actors and we create a story. There is nothing like it. I remember making a film in Austin, Texas and I had this vision of me and director and other actors playing ring around the rosy, which mirrored what I felt when we did a scene. That child-like and innocent play we used to do so well.
I love this saying by a Japanese philosopher, "God alone knows the secret plan, of the things he will do for the world, using my hand." Isn't that beautiful poetry! So now I am in one of the hardest cities to live in, trying to do the hardest profession one can choose to be in, and barely scraping by. But I don't care. I know that I'm meant to do something here in this city and I will be tenacious and keep going. And I will keep learning to be the person that I am. Loving, lovable and splendid.
I couldn't sleep last night and while I'm tossing and turning, feeling either too hot or too cold, I had an epiphany. Of course, we have all heard it before that our thoughts make our reality. But this was quite big for me. I heard in my head that it takes as much energy to think dark, sad thoughts as it takes to think bright happy ones. So instead of falling apart when things are tough and thinking how much I'd like to die, I would just start thinking about how much I want to bring lots of money into my life, how I would love to have a partner and just focus on telling God those things instead of "oh please, God, take me now! So from now on, I will use all that negative energy and change it to positive thoughts. Okay, I know you are all yawning about now, thinking, oh I already know that. Well, so do I but to put it into practice is something new for me. Now I know how to put it into practice. I have the power and the green light from my angels. It's perfectly okay to want lots of money. Think of all the great things one can do with lots of money, build a theater for childrens plays, make a film that touches peoples lives, add a wing onto a hospital for people who can't afford to be in a hospital, lots and lots of things. And it's okay to drive a nice car and have beautiful clothes. Just keep in mind that you are not your car or your cloths and just a spiritual being having a material, earthly experience. So, as I get on with my day. I will keep in mind that I can change how I think and the truth is, I always could but was afraid and uninformed. God is great! In love and peace, Pilar
I love this saying by a Japanese philosopher, "God alone knows the secret plan, of the things he will do for the world, using my hand." Isn't that beautiful poetry! So now I am in one of the hardest cities to live in, trying to do the hardest profession one can choose to be in, and barely scraping by. But I don't care. I know that I'm meant to do something here in this city and I will be tenacious and keep going. And I will keep learning to be the person that I am. Loving, lovable and splendid.
I couldn't sleep last night and while I'm tossing and turning, feeling either too hot or too cold, I had an epiphany. Of course, we have all heard it before that our thoughts make our reality. But this was quite big for me. I heard in my head that it takes as much energy to think dark, sad thoughts as it takes to think bright happy ones. So instead of falling apart when things are tough and thinking how much I'd like to die, I would just start thinking about how much I want to bring lots of money into my life, how I would love to have a partner and just focus on telling God those things instead of "oh please, God, take me now! So from now on, I will use all that negative energy and change it to positive thoughts. Okay, I know you are all yawning about now, thinking, oh I already know that. Well, so do I but to put it into practice is something new for me. Now I know how to put it into practice. I have the power and the green light from my angels. It's perfectly okay to want lots of money. Think of all the great things one can do with lots of money, build a theater for childrens plays, make a film that touches peoples lives, add a wing onto a hospital for people who can't afford to be in a hospital, lots and lots of things. And it's okay to drive a nice car and have beautiful clothes. Just keep in mind that you are not your car or your cloths and just a spiritual being having a material, earthly experience. So, as I get on with my day. I will keep in mind that I can change how I think and the truth is, I always could but was afraid and uninformed. God is great! In love and peace, Pilar
Monday, November 30, 2009
Truth or Dare
I normally like writing these blogs early in the morning...right after i've done my morning pages, courtesy of the Artists Way. Alas, I attempted working on these God-awful Experiential Learning Papers for my college course, Professional and Personal Assessment, which has turned out to be the class from hell. Combined with fasting because I don't have my rent and I need to raise $500, I went from bright eyed and bushy tailed to wanting to have a very quick and close communion with a razor blade. Instead, I decided to go for a walk and let out all the anger, frustration and self-pity out to the universe and God, not that He doesn't know what this is all about already. It worked, and as I walked into my room that I rent , I got a much needed phone call from a good friend who must have been guided to make this lonely, sad lady laugh again. Why he is not my husband I dont' know but he's the kind of man I would love to hook up. I know in my heart of hearts he isn't the one God intends for me but heck, he is awfully close. Talk about having to be patient. Ugh, I want someone in my life, now...no...yesterday. Don't know why I'm not allowed a shoulder to cry upon right now but I can only be patient.
To touch upon the knowledge of how I know there is someone out there for me is an experience I had about 9 years ago in Austin, Texas. This story will also make clear that no matter how bad things get, I could never take my life. I will proceed to explain what happened and for some who may read this, you may be inclined to suspend belief but it is what really happened to me and I honor it as a gift from God. I was going to Al-Anon meetings in Austin and one day spied upon this absolutely gorgeous young man. Almost 20 years my junior,...no don't go there. No cougar references please. Anyway, we did eventually hook up, were intimate and through a series of letters we sent back and forth, I discovered he was a sex addict and very unhappy. I suggested we abstain from any sexual activity for 90 days. One day I was on the phone to him and told him, that I wish I could be near him to make it all better and give him a big hug. Little did I know that would be the last time I would speak to him. 5 days later I was told he had shot himself in the head. I went into shock and even drove over to his house to make sure because I didn't want to believe he was gone. I loved him very much and it took awhile to get over the startling news. One night I was getting ready to go to sleep when I had the experience of leaving my body and going to where he was in the afterlife. I had already had an out of body experience before so this wasn't new. He stood across from me and kept changing ages and I realized there is no age in the land of souls. I asked him to please forgive me. He said "don't give up on the next one" and I said, "there is no one in my life now" he said "there will be". I was profoundly affected by this dialogue. I held him close, gave him a big hug and he was torn away from me like something you see in films and I came back to my body. So what is the truth that I learned form this outrageous encounter? That we are all unique...there will never be another you or me in the history of mankind. Why we can't always know and feel this 24/7 is a mystery but that moment in time when I went to the next life will live with me forever. I am also grateful to my young friend for the parting words that "there will be" someone, someday. I have never surrendered so much to God as I do today and as my dear friend in Seattle told me a couple of months ago, "let God be your matchmaker"....I'm trying. Trusting God in all matters is quite the challenge. So no websites like Match.com, of course, unless I'm secretly guided by God to go there. ;-) With love and light and uniqueness!!
To touch upon the knowledge of how I know there is someone out there for me is an experience I had about 9 years ago in Austin, Texas. This story will also make clear that no matter how bad things get, I could never take my life. I will proceed to explain what happened and for some who may read this, you may be inclined to suspend belief but it is what really happened to me and I honor it as a gift from God. I was going to Al-Anon meetings in Austin and one day spied upon this absolutely gorgeous young man. Almost 20 years my junior,...no don't go there. No cougar references please. Anyway, we did eventually hook up, were intimate and through a series of letters we sent back and forth, I discovered he was a sex addict and very unhappy. I suggested we abstain from any sexual activity for 90 days. One day I was on the phone to him and told him, that I wish I could be near him to make it all better and give him a big hug. Little did I know that would be the last time I would speak to him. 5 days later I was told he had shot himself in the head. I went into shock and even drove over to his house to make sure because I didn't want to believe he was gone. I loved him very much and it took awhile to get over the startling news. One night I was getting ready to go to sleep when I had the experience of leaving my body and going to where he was in the afterlife. I had already had an out of body experience before so this wasn't new. He stood across from me and kept changing ages and I realized there is no age in the land of souls. I asked him to please forgive me. He said "don't give up on the next one" and I said, "there is no one in my life now" he said "there will be". I was profoundly affected by this dialogue. I held him close, gave him a big hug and he was torn away from me like something you see in films and I came back to my body. So what is the truth that I learned form this outrageous encounter? That we are all unique...there will never be another you or me in the history of mankind. Why we can't always know and feel this 24/7 is a mystery but that moment in time when I went to the next life will live with me forever. I am also grateful to my young friend for the parting words that "there will be" someone, someday. I have never surrendered so much to God as I do today and as my dear friend in Seattle told me a couple of months ago, "let God be your matchmaker"....I'm trying. Trusting God in all matters is quite the challenge. So no websites like Match.com, of course, unless I'm secretly guided by God to go there. ;-) With love and light and uniqueness!!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Truth or Consequences
As I child I used to watch this show on TV called "Truth or Consequences" and I think it was a very young Bob Barker as the host. I barely remember what was done on the show but what I do remember is that I liked it, it was fun, and it was something I could watch with my mother and brother. Then many years later I noticed there is even a town called Truth or Consequences in New Mexico. It think it was in my 20's when I found out what the word consequences meant. I had Brazilian parents and much of the time they spoke Portuguese around me as a child. My one huge regret in this life is that I didn't learn the language fluently. How different my life would have been had I spoken Portuguese. I would be singing in nightclubs Brazilian songs as a living most likely. Well, I wasn't around people who spoke a lot of English and it is just in the last four years that I have become in love with the English language since I began going to school and writing. Writing a lot. I love words. What they mean, what they can become to mean when written in a certain way. I love the word Truth. I love the way John Leguizamo says the word truth in the film Moulin Rouge.
I'm not crazy about the word consequences. It has a kind of forboding quality to it but it can come in handy. In disciplining my kids, I used the word to remind them that when they misbehaved they would have to face the consequences. When remembering all the things I did in the past and how they are coming back to bite me in the butt. When you charge something on a credit card the consequences is that you will go into DEBT! Big one...and if you don't put gas in your car, you will get stuck somewhere and not be able to drive. There are the other big ones like if you sleep with a man unprotected, you have a good chance of getting pregnant or if you smoke a lot of cigarettes, your lungs can turn black. How our whole life is filled with consequences for our actions. I think what happened in the 60's, I adopted the word karma and I kind of like that one better. Means the same thing as consequences but it is more exotic and foriegn. I hope I have been building good karma with my love and compassion for my fellow brothers and sisters. I'm certainly not a perfect person and lately feeling kind of down-trodden with no real job and money in the bank. But I will plow thru this time because it can't last forever and hope my good karma kicks in and I get to the other side of this test. What is the main question on this test? Well, it is how much faith do I have in God's beneficence and mercy. Can I trust that at the moment I need something, my need will be fulfilled? Let me tell ya...this is one bitch of a test. Many years ago, an Egytian man told me a story about a beggar in the courtyard of a small village, he would sit out and wait for someone to give him his morning food. If anyone tried to give him food for the whole day he would refuse it because he wanted to make sure he kept the faith that later in the day he would be provided for. Boy, did I not get that one right away until I was put in the same boat. One day at a time is nothing compared to one hour at a time. That is how I have to live right now. One hour at a time. Trust in God and his mercy and benefinence. That is my big lesson right now. I feel like posting a disclaimer and telling you all, don't try this at home but I can't. If God sees fit that you need this test. Surrender, let it all go. Everything in your hand, let it go. He will provide. Reminds me a little of this song I sing to myself on occasion. "Life is just a bowl of cherries". The line goes "the sweet things in life, to you are just loaned, so how can you lose, what you never owned. Wow! do I love that line. So, I'm off for my morning walk and basking in the glorius sunshine of Los Angeles. I'll leave with you with one truth that I do know. God is large and in charge! Have a lovely Sunday whoever may read this. Love and Light! Pilar
I'm not crazy about the word consequences. It has a kind of forboding quality to it but it can come in handy. In disciplining my kids, I used the word to remind them that when they misbehaved they would have to face the consequences. When remembering all the things I did in the past and how they are coming back to bite me in the butt. When you charge something on a credit card the consequences is that you will go into DEBT! Big one...and if you don't put gas in your car, you will get stuck somewhere and not be able to drive. There are the other big ones like if you sleep with a man unprotected, you have a good chance of getting pregnant or if you smoke a lot of cigarettes, your lungs can turn black. How our whole life is filled with consequences for our actions. I think what happened in the 60's, I adopted the word karma and I kind of like that one better. Means the same thing as consequences but it is more exotic and foriegn. I hope I have been building good karma with my love and compassion for my fellow brothers and sisters. I'm certainly not a perfect person and lately feeling kind of down-trodden with no real job and money in the bank. But I will plow thru this time because it can't last forever and hope my good karma kicks in and I get to the other side of this test. What is the main question on this test? Well, it is how much faith do I have in God's beneficence and mercy. Can I trust that at the moment I need something, my need will be fulfilled? Let me tell ya...this is one bitch of a test. Many years ago, an Egytian man told me a story about a beggar in the courtyard of a small village, he would sit out and wait for someone to give him his morning food. If anyone tried to give him food for the whole day he would refuse it because he wanted to make sure he kept the faith that later in the day he would be provided for. Boy, did I not get that one right away until I was put in the same boat. One day at a time is nothing compared to one hour at a time. That is how I have to live right now. One hour at a time. Trust in God and his mercy and benefinence. That is my big lesson right now. I feel like posting a disclaimer and telling you all, don't try this at home but I can't. If God sees fit that you need this test. Surrender, let it all go. Everything in your hand, let it go. He will provide. Reminds me a little of this song I sing to myself on occasion. "Life is just a bowl of cherries". The line goes "the sweet things in life, to you are just loaned, so how can you lose, what you never owned. Wow! do I love that line. So, I'm off for my morning walk and basking in the glorius sunshine of Los Angeles. I'll leave with you with one truth that I do know. God is large and in charge! Have a lovely Sunday whoever may read this. Love and Light! Pilar
Saturday, November 28, 2009
A Convenient Truth
I voted for Al Gore, I wanted him to be President and so did most of the country. Bush fenagled his way into the White House and it was a very depressing time for America. I know we are in the mess we are in because of his politics. I have never had it so hard before. So now that we have a new President, who I pray will deliver, and if nothing else he has a sense of humor and a beautiful family, God-willing things will improve. Because I'm not one to spend too much time talking or thinking about politics, I feel that we got it right putting Obama in the White House. I can identify with him. I lived in Hawaii for 11 years, I stayed in Indonesia for a month and have connections there and I embraced Islam in the seventies(but am a Christian now). Kinda woo-woo but that's not why I voted for him. I just knew in my heart he would be a whole lot better than the other guy. What is funny for me is that all of a sudden I have all these new friends and they are all African-American. My housemate is even a black woman and I couldn't be happier getting closer to my new friends. I have one black male gay friend who I absolutely adore. He's so special to me. So why is this? Did Obama getting in the White House allow for this blending of the races, at least in my life. I had one black boy friend once years ago, a very well-known jazz flute player. I felt like his back door girl. He never introduced me to his family or felt inclined to include me in many of his activities. He was a strictly sexual encounter. There was a time when I was dancing professionally and moved to New York to study dance at the Alvin Ailey school and wanted to be black so I would get picked for the dance company. Never happened. I instead went to do Summer Stock in New Hampshire and found out I could sing as well as dance and performed in a few shows.
So what is the point of all this banter? I'm getting to it. The truth is going back to my first blog, we are all one. In the universal scheme of things, there is no seperation between races and we are all members of the same club called "Mankind". When I was in New Hampshire getting my musical theater education doing summer stock that one summer, I had this experience that altered how I saw and felt about people and myself. I got very sick and one afternoon, had an out of body experience. I had this strange feeling, I couldn't move my body but I was hovering above it and heard this voice. I yelled first, "it's not my time yet", meaning I wasn't supposed to die. Then this voice exclaimed "if you go back, you must love all mankind." Well, if that wasn't something for the books. So here I am, many years later, still trying to just love myself, let alone mankind. But I do know, that is my ultimate job being her on this planet. I must love all mankind and that includes everybody. So how does one do that? Well, by not judging anyone(ha ha ha) ever try that? Everyone I see, I must have a feeling of love and compassion. If I feel anything other than love, it is not coming from God but from my own heart and mind. I'm glad I did learn how to detach with love in an Al-Anon meeting cause I would be in big trouble right about now. With all the people in the world and the way they may approach me or reproach me, I must love them but fortunately I don't have do anything but feel love for them. In the reality of things, I'm actually just feeling God's love and that is sufficient. Now that I'm learning how to love myself and treat myself kindly(something very new and different) it is easier to love all of mankind. My new friends, the ex-husbands, my deceased parents, the people who made fun of me because of my mentally retarded brother, everyone that I have ever known. I do feel love for them now. This man I met in Dallas once said, don't worry about being love or giving love, you are love. That was an eye-opener for me. I don't always remember that but I work towards knowing it in my bones. Only once did I truly feel the Universal love all around us and that was during a Ramadhan in New York in the seventies. It is indescribable but it is real and it is the truth. At the end of my favorite film, Strictly Ballroom, everyone dances around to the song "Love is in the Air" and it is all around us. Now if only I can translate loving all of mankind into an income producing activity. I'm only half serious. lol. Here is to love!!
So what is the point of all this banter? I'm getting to it. The truth is going back to my first blog, we are all one. In the universal scheme of things, there is no seperation between races and we are all members of the same club called "Mankind". When I was in New Hampshire getting my musical theater education doing summer stock that one summer, I had this experience that altered how I saw and felt about people and myself. I got very sick and one afternoon, had an out of body experience. I had this strange feeling, I couldn't move my body but I was hovering above it and heard this voice. I yelled first, "it's not my time yet", meaning I wasn't supposed to die. Then this voice exclaimed "if you go back, you must love all mankind." Well, if that wasn't something for the books. So here I am, many years later, still trying to just love myself, let alone mankind. But I do know, that is my ultimate job being her on this planet. I must love all mankind and that includes everybody. So how does one do that? Well, by not judging anyone(ha ha ha) ever try that? Everyone I see, I must have a feeling of love and compassion. If I feel anything other than love, it is not coming from God but from my own heart and mind. I'm glad I did learn how to detach with love in an Al-Anon meeting cause I would be in big trouble right about now. With all the people in the world and the way they may approach me or reproach me, I must love them but fortunately I don't have do anything but feel love for them. In the reality of things, I'm actually just feeling God's love and that is sufficient. Now that I'm learning how to love myself and treat myself kindly(something very new and different) it is easier to love all of mankind. My new friends, the ex-husbands, my deceased parents, the people who made fun of me because of my mentally retarded brother, everyone that I have ever known. I do feel love for them now. This man I met in Dallas once said, don't worry about being love or giving love, you are love. That was an eye-opener for me. I don't always remember that but I work towards knowing it in my bones. Only once did I truly feel the Universal love all around us and that was during a Ramadhan in New York in the seventies. It is indescribable but it is real and it is the truth. At the end of my favorite film, Strictly Ballroom, everyone dances around to the song "Love is in the Air" and it is all around us. Now if only I can translate loving all of mankind into an income producing activity. I'm only half serious. lol. Here is to love!!
Friday, November 27, 2009
If The Truth Be Told
This is so much fun....I even have one follower and that was a surprise. God bless you Benedict(almost wrote Leonard) How time flies. Does it really fly? It can whiz by too I've heard. I look back at my life and I can hardly believe I will hit the big ....well, that is a secret. Why must I hide the fact I'll be turning ....next year. Wow, it's hard to admit my age. Is it because I live in Hollywood? Or that when I was little, the age I'm gonna be was ancient? If the truth be told, I'm a bit scared of getting older. Right now, when I go on Craigslist, I feel like I don't belong there. I look for work that even only 5 years ago was appropriate and today seems so not me.
Well, I'm not alone and this week was a mind-opener concerning my place in the universe.
I heard the statement once from my spiritual master, so to speak, "we must come to be alone with God." Is that the truth? YES. Why? Because, at any moment we may be asked to check out from our fleshy envelope and leave this world, this dream, this life we have become so attached to and go to the next life. Alone with God can also mean joining with the others who are also turning there minds and hearts to the Almighty. It is an energy, life force, vibration that is felt when this moment of communion is so solitary, so singular. I love when I can just focus on that part of me that is empty and whole at the same time. I guess I'm hitting on my blog of yesterday. We are all one and and now that I can write all this down and not give a damn who reads it or if it is read at all. I will write my musings and live my life until it is my check out time and take each moment as if that is the most important moment. Instead of pining for this, that and the other. I dont' always achieve that mindset but I'm working on it. Until tomorrow, sending my lone reader much love and God's blessings. In light and love, Pilar
Well, I'm not alone and this week was a mind-opener concerning my place in the universe.
I heard the statement once from my spiritual master, so to speak, "we must come to be alone with God." Is that the truth? YES. Why? Because, at any moment we may be asked to check out from our fleshy envelope and leave this world, this dream, this life we have become so attached to and go to the next life. Alone with God can also mean joining with the others who are also turning there minds and hearts to the Almighty. It is an energy, life force, vibration that is felt when this moment of communion is so solitary, so singular. I love when I can just focus on that part of me that is empty and whole at the same time. I guess I'm hitting on my blog of yesterday. We are all one and and now that I can write all this down and not give a damn who reads it or if it is read at all. I will write my musings and live my life until it is my check out time and take each moment as if that is the most important moment. Instead of pining for this, that and the other. I dont' always achieve that mindset but I'm working on it. Until tomorrow, sending my lone reader much love and God's blessings. In light and love, Pilar
Thursday, November 26, 2009
If The Truth Be Told
I know, it's all relative, the truth changes with every person. I do believe there are Universals truths and I want to write about them, share them, find them, whatever the wind blows in. Let's start with something as expansive as "We Are All One". How much the world tells us to the contrary. I am in school and had to do a paper on Jill Bolte Taylor's experience of a brain tumor causing her to have only her right brain function and her spiritual journey of that reality. Amazing. She experienced Nirvana, Heaven and the oneness of all Mankind. So why can't we all feel that all the time? Well, I will leave you to ponder that. Gonna go have Thanksgiving dinner with my housemate and her family. God bless you all and Happy Thanksgiving!!
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